Nancy Kuhuski

Oh my goodness, she’s talking about me! I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. She didn’t call me out by name, she didn’t even know me, but she was talking about me! She was putting into words what my heart had been wrestling with for years now… I am one of those “er” girls.

An “er” girl… you know, those girls who are: smart”er”, strong”er”, thin”er”, pretty”er”, kind”er”, wealthy”er”, you fill in the blank “er”. Now, before you stop reading thinking I have a big ego… hear me out!

This past weekend I had the privilege of hearing Julie Barnhill speak a powerful message about friendship and how much we need each other. She eloquently unpacked how easy it is for us to look at others and form quick and unfounded judgments simply based on our perceptions. How quickly walls are built with those judgments and opportunity for relationship stamped out. I’m just as guilty of this as anyone else, but the past few years, I’ve found myself experiencing the, equally painful, other side to that coin.

As I’ve lost the equivalent of a small adult (130 lbs), not only has my physical body changed, but so has my confidence, the intensity with which I embrace life, and the adventure I choose to seek out. This journey has literally changed my life, and I am not the same person I once was. I actually really like who I am today and have worked hard to become her. So when the judgments and assumptions come, they can cut deep.

True confession… I find myself struggling with feeling I’m too much and not enough all at the same time. I’m too strong-willed, too outspoken, too independent…, while simultaneously I’m not accomplished enough, thin enough, disciplined enough… Our feelings, while very real, rarely tell us the truth! Our feelings, while very real, rarely tell us the truth! Share on X Yet, somehow when you look, act, talk, and interact a certain way, people assume you have it all together. That really couldn’t be further from the truth.

True confession… When I’m told I’m beautiful, sometimes I can receive the compliment graciously – I’m learning, but there is still a place of insecurity in me that says “really?”. I’m settling into understanding that my beauty draws others to me, offering me an incredible opportunity to speak into their life. My beauty goes far beyond what’s on the outside though, and truly radiates from deep inside as I’ve understood who I am, but that’s been a tumultuous journey. When I’m judged and perceived inaccurately because of that same beauty, I just what to scream – but you don’t know me, you don’t know my story!

True Confession… Being perceived as an “er” girl can be downright painful. I’ve felt the cold shoulder and not understood why. It hurts, and feels a lot like rejection. I’ve had people tell me they’ve had preconceived misconceptions about me based completely upon how I looked, the confidence with which I spoke, and the way I interacted with others. One woman apologized for judging me, as she had watched me over time and realized I was actually completely authentic in who I was.

True confession… Every “er” girl still has places of insecurity, inadequacy, and brokenness. We really are all fellow strugglers and each of us has a story to tell. As we live authentically, can we approach each other from a place of grace, not a place of preconceived judgement? Can we take the time to learn each other’s story? When we hold space for one another and share our stories, people find hope, and we have the privilege of encouraging and cheering each other on! We really do need each other!

So here’s to the “er” girls… May we know them, may we be them, may we love them!

Are you an “er” girl, or do you know an “er” girl? I would love to hear your story!