Nancy Kuhuski

Have you ever wanted to jump ahead, find a shortcut, bypass the hard? If so, I’m right there with you! This week I keep fighting the urge to try to jump ahead. I’m completely confident amazing things are coming, and I would much rather jump to the other side of the healing process. If only it worked that way! 

What I know both from my own lived experience and my professional training, is the only way to the other side is through. That means staying present and feeling my way through this. I’m pretty good at the staying present part and have chosen to surround myself with a close group of supportive friends who gently hold me accountable for staying present. Yet, surprising to me is my struggle to really feel again. 

I wrote last week about finding myself in survival mode. I fully realize the functionality not feeling has played. It allowed me to be okay, as I had no capacity to address my complex emotions at that time. I simply kept going day after day. It was too much for too long and I became numb, not uncaring or cold, just numb. 

Now 2 weeks out, with increased capacity, I’m ready to dive into the sea of emotions that have been held at bay. However, easier said than done. My brain has not fully cooperated with my readiness to jump in, as I can’t simply will myself to feel again.  

So, what’s a girl to do? You start moving on… well, at least you start moving. I have found movement to be my friend in this process. The realization dawned that for my mind to let down its guard, I needed to discharge some of the stress and trauma my body has been holding and carrying. Believe me, the neck and shoulder tension and headaches have been a poignant reminder of how adeptly my body has been stockpiling the stress.

This week I committed to taking a daily walk and doing yoga each evening. These two practices each bring me something completely different. The rhythmic cadence of putting one foot in front of the other is both symbolic and therapeutic. As my body is moving, my mind is being freed to think and process. I practice being mindful during my walks, and I feel my senses come alive. I’m breathing in, filling my lungs with the scent of spring blooms, fresh rain, and rich oxygen. I see flowers moving from tight buds into beautiful explosions of color. I hear the song of the birds and taste the subtle saltiness that comes from living near the sea. I feel the warmth of the sun, or the coolness of the rain on my skin. I feel… I feel my body responding to the world around me. With each walk, I receive the gift of a mind freed to think and gain a bit more equilibrium.

I’ve chosen a bedtime yoga practice at this junction, as I find this to be supportive of more restorative sleep. Neuroscience tells us it’s in the slow exhale that the parasympathetic nervous system is activated – which relaxes and calms us. Intentional deep breaths in and slow intentional exhales out invites me to let go of all that is no longer useful for me. Engaging and stretching my muscles provides opportunity to move the tension out of my body.  Using the power of my breath while caring for my muscles is slowing helping me to metabolize the trauma.

Have I solved all this, no. Am I taking steps forward literally and figuratively, yes. I am content with being in process right now and having a trajectory of movement that will get fine tuned as my journey continues. I am being freed to again feel.

Where are you experiencing numbness in your life? Where are you ready to feel again? What movement, small or large, can you commit to incorporate this week to help you metabolize your areas of stress or trauma? We’re moving on friends!