Nancy Kuhuski

Well, it has been a while hasn’t it, and my blog has sat dormant for some time now.

I have just walked away from a very difficult season that has consumed all my energies and not allowed room for much of anything else, including writing. This season has deeply depleted me and caused me to lose sight of the core of me. The me I struggled to become, the me that was birthed through authentic rumbling, the me that looked in the mirror and was proud of who I had become. I watched, feeling like a spectator on the sidelines of my own life as my light dimmed and faded. I found myself deep in survival mode, desperate to shield and protect those I was entrusted to lead, and desperate to fulfill the commission of protecting some of the most vulnerable in our community. Advocating, and battling a flawed system, while right, came at a high personal cost.

A week ago today, I took a difficult stand and walked away. I had worked hard to get to the place I was. I had opportunity and influence, and while not flawless, I know I had led well and had deep impact. I expected to have an emotional response but driving away on my last day I felt nothing and simply acknowledged I had completed a season in my life and closed a chapter. I was numb.

Following a busy weekend, I got my littlest off to school Monday morning, came home, looked around, and asked the dogs, “now what?”. They looked inquisitively back at me but offered no answers. So, I made myself a cup of coffee and sat down to contemplate my day and the rest of my life.

That led me here, embarking on a journey of finding my way back to me. I have healing to do, things to process, growth and reflection to be had.  Keeping it real, I’m also experiencing some shame as I have expertise and experience in how to prevent getting to the very place I am at, yet was unable to show up for myself the way I deserved. I acknowledge I am human and choose to have grace for myself as I’m in no way immune to real life struggles, but the sting is real.

As I have navigated this first week, the idea of blogging my journey started to take root. As a writer and social worker, sharing my journey feels incredibly vulnerable, but I also know how healing authentic words, and another’s lived experience can be.

So… I invite you into my journey and trust it will give encouragement and hope. Your story and circumstances may be different than mine, but maybe you can relate and are even now reflecting on how you came to this place. Take heart dear ones, we have a lot of living to do, and I confidently believe the best is yet to come!