Nancy Kuhuski

It was mid-morning Monday, and I was listening to my “Serotonin Inducing Playlist”, which by the way, if you do not have one, I highly recommend you stop and create one as soon you finish reading this! (Literally just a playlist of songs that specifically make you feel happy!). I had been working on a writing project and got up to refill my water and found myself humming and smiling. That’s when it hit me… I felt something… I was happy!  

Now, it’s not as if I went to sleep one night and woke up feeling again, it was more like a slow thaw. Toward the end of last week, I noticed my patience waning, I was more edgy, and my kids both independently asked me what was going on, as I seemed irritable. I did not have a good answer for them, but also recognized I was a bit out of sorts. Reflecting, I believe this was the numbness beginning to melt away. That angst gave way to more positive emotions and I found relief to again be feeling. Numbness isn’t selective and it’s not just the unpleasant emotions that go unfelt, but all emotions. I do not enjoy walking through my life as a robot, and I appreciate our ability to feel and have complex emotion is an important part of wholehearted living. Over the course of this week, I have experienced a much more appropriate range of emotions and reveled in them, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Last week I wrote about the practice of intentional movement. On one of my walks, I started utilizing an exercise I have used countless times in therapeutic settings – The 7 Why’s. This is simply asking why around 7 times until you uncover the underlying principle. I started by asking myself “what am I feeling right now?”

Despite really trying to identify what I was feeling, I had no answer the first 2 times I tried to engage this practice. As I have been learning, I seem to need to engage with my body first right now, so day 3 I decided to approach it from a different angle and asked myself what my body was feeling. I had an immediate answered “cold”, then asked myself why? Because I’m walking in the rain – why? Because I quit my job – why? I continued in this authentic inquiry, which after a few more why’s landed me on – because I’m strong, capable, and worthy of respect. I began with feeling cold and landed at a core belief, which I then reflected on and thought about as I progressed through the remainder of my day. I have kept with this daily practice of self-inquiry on my walks and find it helpful for identifying and processing where I am at and what I am feeling.

Speaking of the body, I also went to see my doctor and completed some long overdue bloodwork. As I was sitting talking to my doctor, she stopped, leaned toward me with her hands on her knees, looked me in the eye and said, “It’s okay, it’s going to get better.” Never underestimate the power of hope, as in that moment of kindness I felt tears sting my eyes and I felt seen. Long story short, 11 vials of blood later I found that my body was quite depleted in multiple areas, and I was prescribed a course of supplements to help bring it back to increased health. She also recommended a return to eating real and whole foods and stated they would be my friend in this journey – grateful for holistic focused doctors!

Prolonged severe stress and trauma really does do a number on the body, mind and spirit. Healing is a journey that we take a step and a day at a time. My journey to finding my way back to me continues. What about you? Is there a place you can use the 7 Why’s and get below the surface of what’s going on for you? Maybe you too have long put off doing some medical follow up and this is the week you schedule that appointment? Are you moving your body and breathing with intention? Will you join me with continuing a daily walk and yoga practice? We are making progress!